tuck's Site

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose! ! Jack sits up
and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the
room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the
rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge
black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a
note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little
hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get
groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you,
darling!
Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?' 'Well, you
came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the
coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got
that black eye
when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son,
'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a
rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??' His son replies,
'Oh THAT!...
Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants
off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit
by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse

and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.


Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.


They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I
don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?"


The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning...... Today you voted."

From a friend on the net:

√

Why did the chicken cross the road?



DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.



OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.



GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.



COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...



ANDERSONCOOPER- CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.



JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.



NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks, people!



PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.



MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.



DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.



ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.



JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. A nd if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. < /TT>’ That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.



GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.



BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.



JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.



ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.



BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#&&^(C%...reboot



ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?



BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?



AL GORE: I invented the chicken!



COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?



DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?



AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? Good God Almighty! We need some black chickens!

Two people drift in a lifeboat on an uncharted sea. One says, "There! I see an island. Our best chance i to go ashore, build a shelter, and await rescue." The others says, "No, we must go farther out to sea and hope to find the shipping lanes. That is our best chance." Unable to agree, the two fight, the lifeboat capsizes, and the drown.
This is the nature of humanity. Even if only two people are left in the entire universe, they will come to represent opposing factions.
---The Bene Gesserit Acolytes' Handbook
"The Sandworms of Dune"

Dear John,
Just wanted to say what a wonderful job y'all are doing up there in Washington. Another couple of years and the dollar will be worthless and a gallon of gas will cost twenty dollars and I'll be in high cotton driving my Prius. And may I compliment you on the way you have funded the military just enough to get them worn out but not enough to rebuild or prepare for another misadventure, like Iran. Bravo! You have us headed for third world status in another ten years. By the way, why do I need a passport to leave the country? Didn't the Nazi's have the same policy just before they started rounding up folks in concentration camp and rendering for their gold teeth and their fat for soap? Are y'all afraid I will run away with my gold teeth and unrendered fat? I guess not having Habeas Corpus will keep me from complaining loudly enough to be heard. Good going.
Where are the people who swore to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution? How do you sleep ant night Senator?
Just wondering here in the State Capitol just what it is you think you are doing up the in the Nation's Capitol.
Sincerely,
CD
ps. If you don't mind, I'm still using my rights.

Check this site out for a challenging 50 question test.
I scored a modest 430 or 86%. No mechanical genius but not a moron anyway.
http://www.forddoctorsdts.com/quizzes/MechanicalAptitude.php
Just scroll down and hit the start button.

President Bush, I request that you reconsider the rush to war with Iran. I urge you to use every option available to defuse tensions with Iran -- diplomatic, political, and economic -- before even considering military force. Military force must be viewed as the last resort -- not the first option. War is not the answer. With a military incapable of mounting an invasion and occupation do you plan on using private armed forces to achieve you goal or will you use weapons of mass destruction to achieve your goals? Just wondering what a megalomaniac is thinking. Ask Dick for me will you and get back to me with his thoughts on the matter will you, sir. Thank you for your time Mr President.